The Dangers of Being True to Yourself

There's all this emphasis on being true to yourself. Google "being true to yourself quotes" and you get like a million hits of a million pages all full of inspirational quotes.

Well, words will only get you so far.

I'm not sure how many of you watch The Big Bang Theory but at our home if one of the few channels we get has it on, we're watching it.

If you're not familiar, I have a clip.


So, a lot of days I feel like the guy in the blue shirt. "It's not that I think you are worthless. Just what you do (or let's substitute in the word "like") is."

Yep. That's how I feel most days.

I am someone who...

• loves Star Wars - so much so my license plate reflects this love. Also, there is an R2-D2 action figured super glued to my dashboard
• is falling in love with Star Trek. I didn't want to really, but it happened. 
• watches Dr. Who
• reads like a meth-head smokes
• loves children's and young adult literature
• enjoys discussions on how the Disney princesses reflect various views of women/ why Sleeping Beauty sucks/ how Disney himself sticks to the tradition of fairy tales much like the Grimm brothers
• enjoys debates on the psychological undertones of Harry Potter
• loves animated movies - I can't wait to see Hotel Transylvania 
• is getting a Masters degree in not only creative writing, but in Children's Literature

 None of these are horrible traits. However, when they're all combined ...well, let's just say I tend to feel like a minority. I know that there are other people like me out there. That's why I love my program. I can totally walk around in this shirt ...

... and people get it. I can have serious discussions about Disney princesses and not get ogled like I've just grown a second and third head. 

I would like to pause and mention that none of this comes from anyone in my family. They tend to share a lot (but not really all) of the things listed above, and support me none-the-less. Granted, on more than one occasion a few of my loved ones have exclaimed upon meeting my grad school friends, "Oh look! There are more people like you!" I know that's supposed to be encouraging but what I'm hearing is "Oh honey, you aren't as big of a freak as I thought." Is that what my loved one means? Hell no! They just are excited that I have people I can relate with.

*sigh*

Okay, here I am getting to the real meat of my post. I am who I am and that's not going to change. I'm damn stubborn enough to like what I like and march on. But the thing is, I just get so freaking tired some days.

Here's how I want some days to go at work:

(PS - I work at a catering/ cafe/ bakery place)

Me: Hello there, can I help you with anything today? 

Customer: I think I'd like a few frozen casseroles.

Me: Well, I can help you with that [INSERT CASSEROLE SPEIL HERE]

Customer: (while I'm ringing them up) So, are you a student?

Me: Yes I am.

Customer: Oh, that's nice. What are you studying?

Me: Well, I'm getting a Masters in Creative Writing with a focus on Children's Literature.

Customer: THAT'S AMAZING! HOW IS IT THAT YOU ARE SO COOL?

Reality:

Customer: (while I'm ringing them up) So, are you a student?

Me: Yes I am.

Customer: Oh, that's nice. What are you studying?

Me: Well, I'm getting a Masters in Creative Writing with a focus on Children's Literature.

Customer: Oh, well, so what ...uh... what do you want to do with that?

Me: Well, write. And maybe teach. 

Customer: That's sweet.

Awkward silence

Me: *sigh* well, my husband is going to be a nurse. He's finishing up his degree.

Customer: Oh thank God! Well, at least you'll have him and won't have to starve. 

Yes, I am so thankful for my husband. 

But come on. I mean, upon reading those two different scenes to him out loud just now he laughed and said, "Oh dear, that's horrible."

I know. I live it.

So like I was saying, sometimes I just get so tired of being unique. I mean, I know that there are more people like me. I see them when I go to other places in the US. But if there are any near me (and no, the creepy comicbook store guys don't count - why?  Because the main adjetive there is "creepy.") I sure can't find them.

What do I do? I mean really, how do you just keep on going all the time when people ask you what you like/ what you want to do and you get that same damn blank stare over and over again? 

Really, I see two choices:

1. Suck it up and just keep going. You will find people who understand you and when you do, you should really develop those relationships and get fulfillment there and from yourself.
2. Give up

I don't like choice number two. I don't want to force myself to like TV shows I hate just so I can relate to the general public.

I guess what I'm saying here is yes, it's exhausting staying true to oneself when you seem to be in the nerd minority. But what other choice do you have?

If you are reading this and are like, "Holy shit that's me!" Awesome. You are not alone. Keep it up. Keep doing what you do and loving what you love. 

On those days when I feel the weight of the world on me. Like I'll never fit in. Like I'll always get those blank stares and that no one will understand me again, my amazing husband comes through. He reminds me of this quote... 

  

Ending thought: Stay true to yourself. Sure, we may be some fish among birds, but at least we can breath underwater! Kapow!

Pondering on Growing-Up

Well, I've avoided it for as long as possible, but I think I have to admit something.

I'm not a kid anymore.

Am I an adult? I donno. I don't really feel like one. I feel like a kid playing dress up in my mother's clothes and then when I look at all the other kids (the real kids) I realize that I don't really fit in with them anymore.

I don't think it's a bad thing that I feel like this. But it does mix up some fears. 

Let me start at the beginning...

Husband and I just moved out of our one bedroom apartment into a two bedroom (but now one bedroom one "library") house. I love it. I adore it. We can breathe in it and not choke the other person with our recently exhaled breath.

Moving was stressful, yes. All moving is. But it was welcomed. Since 2006 I have lived in either a dorm or this one bedroom apartment. Yes, there were vacations where I spent time at my parents house, but my space was always ... on the smaller side. 

What does this have to do with growing up? Well, apart from the obvious (it's a house) I'm getting there.

So, I meet the neighbors that are two doors down. They're a super sweet couple. A bit older than me (maybe in their early 30's late 20's) but my age. With two little kids. 

Here's where I start to feel awkward. In my life I have always been friends with the "children" in a family unit. My college best friends don't have kids (yet - most are still single or getting married) and didn't have kids in college. It's not like I befriended Husband's parents and then met him and got married. I have always been in that kid role. Understand?

Now, I'm not. I'm relating to the parents and they are my peers. Not the other way around. 

And yes - still, I am okay with this.

But at the same time it kinda freaks me out.

And I feel it's not for the obvious reason of leaving childhood behind and facing my own mortality and all that hoopla. 

It's because I'm scared my writing will suffer. I feel like I'm finally growing into my skin as the writer I want to be. Having to rewrite Chapter 1 has been so much fun and given me a chance to enjoy the characters a little bit before I turn their lives to hell. 

But I write YA - YOUNG ADULT fiction. Will I be an adult that can still capture that voice, those feelings, everything that makes a young adult what they are once I'm totally through that phase? Will my work still be relatable or will readers pick up my stuff and toss it aside as crap because I can't tap into that teenager/early 20's side of me?

Honest to God, it freaks me the hell out. I don't have an answer on how to fix it either. Not even a game plan. 

Updates on this matter in the future. Because despite being scared, I'm also determined (or freakishly stubbon as many might call it) and I will keep writing and I will keep telling the stories that are in my head that need to be told.     

Update

Okay, so there are a few things I'll touch on this post. Hence the title, "update."

First off, I did my first guest stint as a blogger recently! I reviewed a movie (Trick 'r Treat) for my friend Cameron's blog. It was super fun. I have a link to his blog in my blog roll over here(ish) -----> 

And really, don't just check out my post, but his whole blog. Right now he's reviewing different Halloween movies (holiday themed - not the Halloween) for the entire month of October. He knows his movie stuff - like epically better than I do.   

Next, I think my whole vision for this blog has been a bit sporadic. I give out advice and book review. I plan on keeping that up. But really, I started this blog to be about the life of an English grad student and I think I want to head back in that direction.  So yes, there will still be blog posts that focus on the craft, advice, books... but there will be more about my struggles with my thesis. 

Lastly, I am so excited to be working on my thesis! I had my first video conference with my thesis advisor (Delia) and not only did I feel it went really well, but I kinda felt like I was in some awesome sci-fi movie. I mean, I'm not that old, but when we first got a computer, back when I was eight, I was stoked about being able to type. Now, I'm working face-to-face with my advisor who is like a thousand miles away. That's super cool.

So - at the moment I am rewriting Chapter One. Not from scratch really, but I've tucked that other first chapter away in a saved folder on my laptop. Now, I'm working on a whole new chapter one. Originally I thought it would be super frustrating, but no. It's been kind of fun. And I think I'll save that for the next post. 

Book Review: The Raven Boys

 This is the first book I have ever read by Maggie Stiefvatier and I'm kind of beating myself up thinking, "Why? Why haven't you read anything from her before?" I have no answer to that...

But, this post is all about her newest book, The Raven Boys. (Click the link to go to the book's webpage)

Holy crap. I loved it.

Usually I gobble books up. I let myself get lost in them and the world could be ending around me, and I wouldn't notice. 

I didn't let that happen with this book. Like The Night Circus, I wanted to savor this book. But not just that. I didn't want it to end. I told my husband last night, "I'm so conflicted. I don't want to keep reading, because I don't want the book to end. BUT I DO want to keep reading because I want to know what happens next." To which he replied, "Well, you don't have to read anymore tonight. Let's watch a movie."

Why I loved this book:

• First and foremost, the characters. They just feel so real. So, easy to relate to. One of the things I love most about John Green is his ability to write characters that I feel I could be friends with. Maggie has done the same thing in this book. I think one of the hallmarks of a fantastic writer is that the characters in the books become more than imagined people, they become your friends in a weird way. 
• The magic. The magic in this book comes to the reader slowly. It isn't like "BAM!" There are little hints and then more and more come until it's totally okay if otherworldly things start happening. I mean, the characters still react believably, but Maggie does an awesome job at suspending the disbelief of the reader. 

There are so many more reasons why I loved this book (and can't wait for the next in the cycle - there's supposed to be four books total), but I can't tell you any of them without spoiling the book for you. Therefore, you must read.

Things I didn't like about the book:

• Every so often (and this happens with every writer) I come across a bit of dialogue that I don't understand. I sit there and reread it. Reread the paragraph and try and puzzle it out. Now, that doesn't happen very often in this book. Really, to me it was just the last line of the book. I'm not sure what was meant by it and felt a tiny bit cheated.
• Also, when the main characters discover something of importance regarding one of their teachers at school (I don't think this is a spoiler...) they seem to accept it a bit too easily for me. Just saying.

But that's it. I kinda adore this book and would seriously start rereading it right now if there wasn't a small colony of unread books on my bookshelf. 

I highly recommend this book. And if you want to purchase a hard copy of it go here. It's an independent bookstore that works closely with Maggie. So much so that you can order signed copies of her books for the same price that you would pay at Barnes and Nobel or Amazon. SIGNED COPY! And, you'd be supporting an independent bookstore. So, why would you not get it from there?

Lastly, here is the book trailer that Maggie made herself. That's right. She did the art. She did the music. She pretty much did it all. She's pretty much some kind of writing superhero... Anyway, to finish up this post, I'm going to go on record and say that she has now filled out my TOP FIVE FAVORITE AUTHORS - and I plan on reading everything she's ever written.

   

A Picture is Worth 1,000 Words

Well, I have been working on my thesis. If you follow my blog at all, you know this. I thought I'd post an update on how things were going, but then I had a better idea.

I'll let the pictures do the talking....

Feel free to take the pictures and post them on your own blog if you want to. Just leave me a comment with a link so I can check them out!

Sometimes it make me feel frustrated other times it makes me feel SUPER AWESOME -Take the picture how you will

Book Review: Daughter of Smoke and Bone

My friend LHughes practically forced me to read this book she loved it so much. Not that I wouldn't have read it on my own (eventually), but she sped the process up. While we were at school, she drove me to the bookstore, marched me in, and bought the paperback version of Daughter of Smoke and Bone before shoving it into my hands.

It wasn't that I didn't want to read it right away, I did, but I was in the middle of The Night Circus and couldn't put that down.

Well, I finally read this book.

And I am so glad that I did! It was so beautifully written. Her description is so vivid and unique. I almost wanted to go through as I was reading and take notes on the way she described things in new ways so that I could use it in my own writing. Not like, copy and paste what she said, but hopefully be influenced by it.

The novel takes place, mostly, in Prague. And while it's an amazing setting and Taylor uses it well, it's not overwhelming. I am lucky enough to have spent some time in Prague (just a few days) and I think that she does a fantastic job of setting the piece in a foreign city, but not making the reader feel left out if they've never been there themselves.

Okay, so what is it about? I can't tell you too much without spoiling the entire book, but I will tell you what I can. Karou is the main character of the novel. She is a mystery even to her self. She has been raised by a (for lack of a better phrase) family of monsters, but has no real knowledge of where she comes from. Who her parents are. Or where she got these unique eye tattoos on the palm of her hands. She exists between two words, the word of her monsters shop where they trade wishes for teeth, and the human world of Prague. Suddenly, black handprints are burned into doors all over the world, and Karou's family is threatened.

Taylor does an amazing job of world building here. Not only does she make the places in the human world so real and vibrant I'm convinced that she's spent many a vacation in both Prague and Morocco (a place where she runs errands for Brimstone, her foster father/ Wishmonger) AND this "Elsewhere" she's created.

So there was only two things that bothered me.

1.  And this would totally ruin everything for you so I'll be vague, is when you discover who Karou really is. I felt it was just a bit easy at first. Not the discovery, but who she is. 
2.  Sometimes Taylor's sentence structure bothered me. I'm not usually one that pay attention to that sort of thing, but after about 2/3s of the book it was really popping out at me. She has this habit of doing this: Original thought, side note on something that pertains to the first part of the sentence but goes on for a bit, return to original thought. The only reason this bothered me was that I found myself forgetting how the sentence started and had to go back and reread the first half to figure out what the last bit what saying. 

Now, here's the fun part. The sequel, Days of Blood and Starlight, comes out November 6th. So you totally have time to get out there and buy Daughter of Smoke and Bone and read it. Which you should do. Don't trust me? Check out LHughes' review here.  

Children and Thesis Writing

Ah. 

Children.

I don't have any, but that doesn't stop people from asking me (whenever I feel tired) "Oh, do you think your pregnant?" I suppose that question is fair game now that I'm married. 

However the answer is always, "No."

But that doesn't mean I don't have a child... of sorts. 

I have a thesis. 

I've seen posts and things where people compare writing a novel to a bad relationship. I'm sure I've even done it myself.

But right now, I think my thesis writing (which IS writing a novel) is a bit more like having a baby. Disclaimer: I've never had a baby therefore my comparison is biased/uninformed. But here we go anyway.

How my thesis is like a baby...

• It keeps me up at night
• I have to check on it every few hours to make sure it's okay
• I don't like leaving the house without it. What if it needs me while I'm gone?
• It needs to be looked after, and worked on, ALL THE TIME
• I can't really think of anything else
• Mostly, it's the only thing people ask me about anymore
• I love it
• And kind-a wish I could give it to a baby(thesis)sitter for just a few hours so I could relax and just not worry about it
• It keeps me from my housework 
• I tend to forget why I walked into a certain room because I'm too busy pondering what the thesis may need next
• I've put so much of myself into it
• Once you start it your life will NEVER be the same
• You really don't just have any "me time" anymore
• It needs to be nurtured to grow
• Really, it's the most ADORABLE thesis you've ever seen
• It has a personality all of its own
• Sometimes it does what it wants and just gets itself into trouble
• Lastly, it consumes so much of my time/life/mind that I might be a little crazy, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Thesis writing has been WHY I've been so MIA for the past...forever. And will be, until this spring. I hope. That is my goal. 

So, until then expect sporadic and random updates. Many of which may focus around my thesis, because really, it's my life now.